Momma on the Edge

Things have been quite hectic at work over the last couple of weeks. I’ve planned two days of research events, managed a fund-raiser, moved offices and interviewed for new jobs at work after a restructure within my department. My Type A perfectionism and control issues have created one large and long rollercoaster ride and have made me a momma on the edge. I’ve obviously put in more hours at work. I’m okay with a late night or early morning here and there; it’s all part of the job. These two weeks, however, have required me to miss my baby girl. A lot. It’s tough when she’s asleep before I get home and when I have to leave before she wakes up. It's especially difficult for someone like me who already struggles with the guilt. I’m such a passionate person that what I’m feeling (the good, the bad and the ugly) almost always finds a way to make it to the surface. To top it off, my daughter’s been a complete daddy’s girl lately. Normally, it’s pretty 50/50 for us, but recently she’s been her daddy’s all the way. That’s been extremely tough. I love and respect my husband so very much for the man he is and for the father he’s become. We are truly a great team, but I'd be dishonest if I told you I wasn't jealous. I know how fortunate I am to have him in my life, and I’m obviously thrilled she adores her father. But when she says no to me and reaches for him, it’s a killer.

A friend once told me that one of the most difficult things to do as a mother is to not allow your mood to be determined by your child’s mood or by his or her behavior. I shrugged it off like most pieces of advice so many people have been so eager to share. I should have asked more questions about how one manages to do that. From early on that’s something I’ve struggled with. When she’s sick, I feel terrible as well. When she’s happy, I’m overjoyed. When she’s fussy, I’m just a little grumpy too. It’s hard (almost impossible really) for me to not be affected by what’s going on with her. She is my entire world.

It can also work the other way. While I’ve really tried not to show how consumed I’ve been about work, she’s a smart girl and has sensed my stress. Who wants to be around someone so uptight? Me either. Don’t get me wrong we’ve had our fair share of fun, but it’s not been the same. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to stay completely in the moment at home. Until tonight I haven’t been able to let it go. Granted, my research events and the fund-raiser have all been completed and were successful. I’m sure that’s part of it, but tomorrow I will find out my future with my organization. What will it be? No idea. What I do know is that as long as my family is happy and healthy that’s what’s most important. Tonight was the best night my sweet baby girl, my super supportive husband and I have had lately. We all played and sang and danced and read stories. That’s what it’s all about. My favorite moment tonight was when she laughed and described me as, “Silly Mommy!” Lesson learned. I’ll try to not beat myself up too badly over what I’ve missed by feeling so overwhelmed and focus on doing better. I just hope I can regroup a little sooner next time. As for tomorrow, feel free to say a prayer, light a candle or send a good vibe or two my way. But do know this: whatever happens, my little family and I, we’ll be just fine.