My Birth Story and How I Missed My Opportunity for an Epidural

Last week I received a letter from my OBGN explaining he's moving to Charleston. I agree it's a great city, but still. Doesn't Dr. M have an obligation to me since I'm surely one of his favorite patients? I understand he's super busy, but a form letter, really? It just feels so impersonal after he's been so, ahem, up close and personal. The sad news of his departure did cause me to remember the happy details of the day I became a mommy.

My sweet baby was due on Christmas Day in 2008. We were convinced she'd arrive early, but we were mistaken. I remember waddling into work on December 26, somewhat disgruntled that I wasn't snuggling my newborn. That night my semi-OCD/hyper personality kicked into high gear. I cooked dinner and began taking down Christmas decorations like a mad woman. My husband just followed my lead and worked like crazy too. Smart man. After our decorations were wrapped and stored for the next year I finally sat down to rest. And then it happened. It was almost midnight, and my water broke, but not in a large gush like it happens in the movies. It was just a trickle so I wasn't fully convinced. A friend of mine had been mistaken once and was turned away at the hospital because she'd actually just peed on herself. (The horror, I know!) I vowed that would never happen to me.

God bless Google. After a little research I was pretty sure it was amniotic fluid. So I showered and shaved (of course) and we were on our way. The car ride was strangely uneventful, not at all like I’d imagined. I wasn't having contractions so we leisurely made our way across town and debated whether or not this was really happening.

My husband had expected to pull up to the front of the hospital and wheel me inside. Instead, we simply parked and walked in normally. In my mind I should’ve already needed those breathing techniques I'd practiced for months, but, nope. Nothing. The triage nurse confirmed my water had broken, and I was admitted. Hooray! We were ecstatic we'd soon meet our baby girl. The emotions were overwhelming; we were elated and a little shocked it was finally time. It felt surreal and at some point I remember us becoming almost giddy. I was nervous about the unknown, and my husband was worried about how I would respond to the unknown. In case you don’t know, I’m a little bit of a planner. I like to think I fly by the seat of my pants, but I’m only kidding myself. When Dr. M walked in we were both relieved.

It was about 2:00 a.m., and he suggested we rest. In hindsight that would have been an awesome idea, but the thought of sleeping was laughable. He also offered the epidural at any time, but I declined. I was very afraid of being stuck in the bed, unable to move around. In my mind my labor included walking the hallways, eating ice chips and bouncing on a birthing ball for at least a little while. And I honestly still felt nothing.

Dr. M came in a few times to check on us. He's so laid back and funny (a lot like my husband); I'm pretty sure that's what makes him so charming. He has a knack for making you feel at ease; nothing really gets him rattled, or if it does he doesn’t show it. When my contractions started they were immediately pretty hard. By about 6:45 a.m. they were quite intense. I’d been told it would take an hour to feel the effects of the epidural after the initial request, so I decided I'd be in trouble if I waited much longer.

Do you have any idea what 7:00 a.m. is for most hospitals? Shift change. (That’s something they should’ve discussed in those birthing classes I dragged us to.) I buzzed, and the new nurse assured me she’d be in soon. I thought I'd feel better if I stood up, but I immediately felt a lot of pressure. I put my fear of pooping on the table while pushing on the backburner and became terrified I was going to pee all over the floor. As politely as possible I asked for the nurse again. I hadn’t met this nurse yet, and I didn’t want to get on her bad list so soon, but I knew I couldn't wait either. I did what I had to do and began to pull the monitors off myself so I could get to the bathroom. It’s pretty amazing how fast that gets their attention; they came running.

I immediately felt better after what must have been the greatest pee of my entire life, and I knew I'd be okay. I was able to smile again and get back to the bed. I’d progressed to 8cm and was fully effaced. Dr. M called for the anesthesiologist asap and waited with us. Surprisingly, I felt okay. The contractions were still coming consistently, but after relieving the pressure from my bladder I could definitely deal. We talked and joked, and we officially met our new Labor and Delivery Nurse P. She was fantastic and encouraged me to try to have the baby naturally. I laughed at the idea. That was not my plan. Within 10 minutes a nice looking gentleman pushed the epidural cart into our room. Ahhhh, I was ready to feel nothing, but Dr. M. wanted to check once more. He then broke the news to me that in those few minutes I'd dilated fully, and it was too late. I remember his words perfectly, "Amy," he said slowly and calmly, "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're not going to be getting an epidural today."

I'm not entirely sure what I said or how I looked (My husband refuses to give me specifics.), but I do know (via confirmation from LD Nurse P) that I had about a 30 to 45 second out-of-body freaking out period before I got my game face on. LD Nurse P was incredible, and although we’d just met her, we loved her immediately. Neither Dr. M or LD Nurse P ever left our room. I'd like to think it's because we were their coolest patients, but I suppose they knew our baby was coming super quickly.

I'll give my husband mad props too. He was uncharacteristically directing people (It's true a ton of people show up, and it's true you won't care.) to get me cool washcloths and encouraging like a coach of the year but not in a cheesy/condescending way. I always knew he was a great catch!

I remember Dr. M kidding me about how much longer it would take and that strangely put me at ease. I think he told me I’d only have a few more hours of pushing. Sarcasm is a way of life for my family, so his joking made an unfamiliar and scary situation seem reasonable and doable. I also remember him chilling out in the rocking chair while I was working overtime on no sleep to perform a miracle. But I found this bizarrely amusing at the time and remember calling him a slacker. I actually only pushed for about 45 minutes, although it felt much longer than that. I was extremely fortunate; the best way I can describe my experience is crazy intense and difficult, but not one of freakish, intolerable pain. My sweet Ellie came into this world looking beautifully perfect and bright-eyed.

My husband was so infatuated with being a brand new daddy and the awe of our gorgeous child I recall the nurse having to tell him it was time to take pictures. He was, and is, one proud father. Please say a little prayer that she never fully learns just how much she has him wrapped around her finger. And it's been like that from the very first breath she took.

While I was getting stitches (lovely) Dr. M's cell phone rang. He'd stayed late to help make us a family. His ringtone, ACDC's Thunderstruck, was the first song my daughter ever heard, just another reason to love him.

Having a baby is such a powerful and amazing experience, and it's even more special when you can share it with people as wonderful as Dr. M and LD Nurse P. Knoxville's loss of Dr. M is definitely Charleston's gain. I can't imagine him not being there if we decide to become more than the three musketeers, but I'm sure it would be fine. We may just have to track down LD Nurse P. Either way, we’ll always cherish our wonderful memories of Ellie's birth, even though it was nothing like we’d planned.

10 Random Tips and Tricks Every Mom (and Dad) Should Know

I've compiled the most random list ever of tips and tricks which will make your life as a parent or soon to be parent or someone who just knows parents who need help, easier. Some of these have been shared with me and others I've learned the hard way. So, sit back, relax and take in this top 10 list. You'll want to share with everyone you know... or at least those who you like.

In no particular order, here goes:

1.) You don't even have to have a child to benefit from this gem. It's called SUDS - a specialty product, and I truly believe with this product, one old toothbrush and a little elbow grease (as my mom likes to say :) I could clean up the world. This all-purpose cleaner is a miracle! It gets stains out of clothes and rugs amazingly, and it's water-based with no ammonia, harsh chemicals or fumes. It's a little pricey so I use it only for laundry or carpet emergencies, but the list of options this stuff will clean goes on and on and includes bathrooms, grills, woodwork and glass to name only a few.  I buy it locally in Knoxville, Tennessee, at The White Balloon at the Gallery Shopping Center, 7240 Kingston Pike. I've also seen it at Smart Toys and Books in Knoxville.  There's a number on the actual product if you'd like to go old-school and order by phone with your VISA or Mastercard; it's 1-800-551-7837(SUDS). Plus,  I found it available online here, but I've never shopped from this site. Whatever or however, just make sure you stock up on SUDS. You won't be disappointed.

2.) As your child gets older, he or she is going to get bigger. And bigger and bigger and bigger. And it'll happen fast! While 10 to 15 to 20+ pounds doesn't feel so heavy, it is. It's especially a back killer when you're constantly leaning over, picking up, carrying around, putting down and repeating about 17 trillion times each day. Learn to squeeze your butt checks together when picking up your child. I know it seems silly, but I promise you it'll save your lower back. Seriously. I'm still not sure why or how it works, but it's true. And I know this from experience. I credit Dr. Cole from Hosenfeld Chiropractic with this tip. It's gold I tell you!

3.) Okay, if you have an infant who is hmmm, let's say less than chilled out and relaxed like your husband, and more high-strung, type A personality like yourself (or vice versa) you may want to give running the vacuum cleaner for a while a try to see if it calms your child. I know. I thought the same thing when I first heard it, but when you're truly hanging onto the edge of your last strand of sanity you'll try anything. If it works run like the wind to open iTunes and spend $9.99 so you too can have one solid hour's worth of vacuuming called, Colic Sweep Vacuum Cleaner White Noise. It sounds ridiculous, but it works. Plus, you won't wear out your own vacuum, and you can take it with you when you travel. Win-win! Mad props to whoever possessed the sheer genius to record and market this. I'm jealous.

4.) Looking for summer shoes for your kid? Look no further. Check out KEEN Kids Newport H2. They're $50 and worth every cent. I can't imagine you not loving these for spring and summer. Your child can wear them with or without socks, they're waterproof, comfy and super durable. Did I mention they're rated a perfect five stars after 105 customer reviews? These are a must have; they're really the only summer shoes your child needs.


5.) If you're using formula, plan to eventually use formula or know anyone who is using formula go directly to Babies R Us and pick up the Munchkin BPA Free Formula Mixer or just order it here. It's portable, works well and is very inexpensive at just over $5. Go ahead and pick up two so you can leave one in your diaper bag.

6.) If you're baby's still wearing diapers (like mine, sigh) go for the Diaper Champ instead of the Diaper Genie. With the Diaper Champ you can use your regular garbage bags instead of having to buy special refills, plus it's about $5 less.

7.) Just say NO to the wipes warmer! Picture this. You've used those warm wipes on your sweet baby's bottom for the first few weeks of her life. It's time to get out of the house to get some fresh air and of course show off your beautiful child. Unfortunately, that warmer isn't portable. So you get brave enough to take your baby out in public where you want her to prove herself to be the perfect baby you know she is. When she needs a diaper change you pull out a freezing cold wipe. You touch this frigid wipe to your pride and joy, and I guarantee she will show herself, and not so much in a positive way. Although I was warned I still had to learn this one the hard way, my friends. I hope you won't have to.

8.) There's only one chair you'll ever need for your child. It grows with him and allows him to be right at the table with the rest of the family from the very beginning. It's the Stokke. It's the bomb. And you need one.

9.) Looking for an app for your toddler? Check out First Words. They're fabulous, and your child will love them and learn letter recognition and beginner words. It's very cool and worthy.

10.) If you're looking for inspiration or hope or a smile, I urge you to spend a little time with StoryPeople.  These guys are brilliant and sweet and funny and passionate, and they just flat get it right. It won't be time wasted. Here's one of my many favorites: "this is a dress-up box for the future & it's filled with stuff like courage & love & play because they're the only things that are any use at all when you get right down to it."

If I Had A Million Dollars

If the love of money is really the root of evil then I could join the cast of Wicked.

Okay, so I’m probably not that bad, but lately I’ve wasted entirely too much time and energy being envious of what others have and do instead of just being thankful. It's not that I expect uber-extravagant things like a huge diamond or a yacht, but I can't help feeling worthy of more. I'd like to enjoy more vacations and regularly scheduled massages and mani/pedis. My daughter deserves the best of the best of everything. My house should be cleaned by someone other than me. I'd prefer to do more shopping at Pottery Barn and less at Target and not feel guilty when I splurge on hair products from the salon. I'd like to sweat from personal training sessions. And why can't I have a fancy soaker tub and granite counter tops? I suppose wanting more is the greedy American way, but that’s no excuse. 

I’ve had this ridiculous sense of entitlement; it’s definitely not the way I was raised, nor is it the way I want my daughter to be brought up. The truth is I'm very lucky. My needs are all met as well as a lot of my wants. I have the love of a good man, and my daughter is the smartest and most beautiful little girl on the planet. My parents and in-laws are alive and well; they’re also still married and love each other very much. My incredible sister, brother-in-law and niece are loads of fun. Most importantly, we all have our health. And that’s where I credit my job for providing wake up calls to shake me out of occasional pity parties like this.

During my workday it’s not uncommon for me to get a good dose of reality. I hear about patients struggling to meet basic needs because they’re trying to pay health care bills. Very recently, I was leaving for lunch with M., a colleague and friend, and we stopped to greet a gentleman who'd just walked into our office. He was a very tall, handsome, well-put-together man in his mid-40s. He shared that his wife was having a difficult time emotionally dealing with her disease, and he was concerned he wasn’t doing enough to help her. He proudly showed us a picture of the two of them; both had bald heads. He struggled to keep from breaking down, and so did we. The love he had for his wife combined with the pain he felt because he couldn’t fix things seeped from him. 

I can’t keep from thinking about this man and his beautiful wife whom I’ve never met. And given the recent disaster in Japan I'm embarrassed for having so many unnecessary desires. Why do I want more for my already privileged two-year-old? Would you like to know what's most important to her? She loves bubbles and play-doh and paint. She loves helping me cook and dancing around the living room. She loves going outside to explore and collecting treasures like sticks and leaves and rocks. She loves to slide and eat popsicles. I'm extremely fortunate she's such a happy, healthy child. And it’s my job to teach her just how blessed we are…with exactly what we already have.

“If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy.” Proverb

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

It’s the end of February and time to take a look at how I’m doing with my three goals for the year. So for better or worse, here goes:

Resolution # 1 - Loose the guilt and rediscover a hobby or two, and maybe even go on a date with my husband (i.e., The Good) 

Believe it or not, my husband and I left our daughter with an actual babysitter and hit the town for a night out earlier this month. It really happened! It wasn’t just an elaborate plan in my mind. Having time alone to remember why you like each other and why you decided to get married in the first place should never be underestimated.

I was concerned that Ellie would be sad we were leaving her. (It’s that crazy daycare guilt haunting me again.) But my husband and I agreed the timing was right and stayed the course. I’d talked with Ellie about Ms. L (a teacher from her school) coming over, and she was excited. I still hadn’t fully explained that when Ms. L arrived, we'd be leaving. When it was time to have that conversation I was nervous. As eager as I was to spend some quality time with my husband I doubly dreaded the thought of her being upset.

Here’s how it played out:

Me: “Ellie, Mommy and Daddy are going to go bye-bye for a while, and you’ll stay here with Ms. L.”

Ellie: “Good idea, Mommy.”

When we were walking out the door she endured our hugs and kisses and gave us a quick and nonchalant, “See ya later.”

It was as simple as that. She was as thrilled to get us out of the house as we were to go on a date. That evening we enjoyed a funny show and had a nice dinner, which we of course filled with conversation about Ellie. I’m thrilled to report my guilt about date night has greatly diminished, and I’ve already scheduled Ms. L for another night in March. Yay us!

Resolution # 2 – Shed some pounds and become a healthier momma (i.e., The Bad) 

This continues to be more difficult than it should. I accept that making healthy choices is a lifestyle change, and incorporating exercise into my daily routine is an ongoing battle. But the workout gods don’t seem to be on my side. It’s frustrating because in a 24 hour day, I’m only aiming for 30 minutes. I occasionally get a workout in, but I’m inconsistent. UGH! I get so disappointed in myself.

I’ve realized if I don’t exercise in the morning it’s not going to happen. So, earlier this month I revisited the nicest gym closest to my home. I accepted a free membership for a week to ensure I’ll be spending my money wisely if I commit to an actual membership. What’s embarrassing is the fact I haven’t made it there to give the one-week test run a try. Thank goodness there's no expiration date. Things happen; either my daughter’s up half the night coughing or my dog’s puking. The adage really is true: if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Last Tuesday morning, I set my alarm for 4:45 a.m.; the class at the gym I planned to try began at 5:15 a.m. (Crazy, right? My thoughts exactly, but if they hold the class I suppose people show up. I guess it’s doable.) Early to bed, early to rise; I was in bed by 10:00 p.m. My workout clothes and shoes were waiting for me in the bathroom, and I’d already ironed my clothes for work. Surprisingly, even Ellie was cooperating and had gone to sleep...in her bed—amazing! I was on top of it, or so I thought. At about 3:30 a.m. we were startled awake from extremely loud shrieks and pounding sounds. At first we were unsure if the sounds were coming from inside or out. It sounded like our home was being attacked. Screech! Thump! Thump! Thump! It was truly frightening. Our dog, Shelby, a 90 pound lab-mix, went berserk; she couldn’t decide whether to growl or cry so she did a combination of both.  I ran to get Ellie. She was terrified and screaming, and Shelby continued to bark and whine. My husband was impressively on the job to handle the situation. In his underwear, he threw on a sweatshirt, slipped into his dress shoes, and grabbed a flashlight and a baseball bat. It was certainly a sight to behold, and if I’d been thinking clearly I would have taken pictures or grabbed the video camera. At the time I was too afraid. When my husband came back inside he explained the strong wind had blown our crawl space door open, and neighborhood cats had found their way underneath our house. He’d chased/coaxed the cats out and locked the door to our crawl space. (We later discovered that only one of the cats had actually escaped, and one was still trapped. But that’s another story.) We’re not sure whether these cats were fighting or involved in some kind of freakish mating ritual. Regardless, by the time things had settled down our queen-sized bed held our toddler, our dog, my husband and me. I only had about 25 minutes until my alarm would have gone off. Needless to say I bailed and reset it.

I don’t intend to just make excuses. The reality is I must dig deeper and find the willpower to overcome these types of obstacles in order to make taking care of me a priority.

Resolution # 3 – Develop and nurture some friendships (i.e., The Ugly)

I’m ashamed to admit I have done nothing to build or rekindle friendships. Lucky for me there’s 10 more months in the year, so there’s still time.

The Persistent Popsicle Princess

The scene takes place at about 7:45 p.m. in our living room. It’s just before bedtime, Ellie’s sporting cute, purple cupcake PJs, and she’s already brushed her teeth. A previously DVRed Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on TV and almost to the hotdog dance scene. We’re getting ready to select books for our nighttime stories.

Ellie: I need a snack. I wanna popsicle.

Mom: It’s too late for a popsicle. Would you like an apple?

Dad: I’ll peel you an apple. 

Ellie: No! I wanna popsicle! (frowns) 

Dad: How about a banana?

Ellie: I don’t wanna foonana. I WANT A POPSICLE! I want red. Please! Please, Mommy! Please, Daddy! I wanna popsicle!

Mom: You’re not going to get a popsicle tonight. It’s almost bedtime. You may have an apple or a banana. 

Ellie: I WILL HAVE A POPSICLE! RED! (stomps foot and crosses her arms)

Dad: (with a much firmer tone) You’ll have nothing making demands and acting like that. You may have an apple or a banana.

Ellie: (fights tears) But I need a popsicle. I need a popsicle in my mouth. A red popsicle. PUH-LEASE!

Mom: (tries hard to keep from laughing) Would you like an apple or a banana?

Ellie: (sighs and looks defeated) Okay. I’ll have a foonana. 

Mom: I think I’d like to have an apple.

Dad: I’ll get it.
(Dad leaves and returns with a banana, an apple and a knife, and he hands an opened banana to Ellie.)

Ellie: Thank you, Daddy. (She smiles and takes one bite.) I don’t like foonanas anymore. I wanna popsicle. Please, Daddy! 

Dad: You may have a popsicle tomorrow… not tonight, but tomorrow. 

Ellie: I will have a popsicle tomorrow?

Mom: Yes. Tomorrow you may have a popsicle. Would you like to share my apple tonight?

Ellie: Thank you, Mommy.

(Mom and Ellie eat the apple.)

The scene changes to the next morning in our bedroom. Ellie has found her way to her parents’ bed at some point during the night. The time is now 7:03 a.m.

Mom: (smiles) Good morning.

Ellie: It’s tomorrow. I wanna popsicle now. A red one.

What's Inside My Bag? Here's a Clue: The Contents Would Make MacGyver Envious

My husband constantly ridicules the size of my purse. He jokes and laughs until we’re traveling and need something, and I can usually pull it out within a minute or two … or okay, maybe five. I’ve always carried a large bag, but now that I have a two-year-old it's only magnified. I agree that it's huge and clunky and quite heavy, weighing in at a whopping 10.1 pounds. But it contains everything I may ever need. It's ridiculous, I suppose, but I justify it by thinking of myself as one prepared mommy, albeit with a sore shoulder.

In no particular order, here goes:

• My day planner – It's old school I know, but don't judge. I still like to see a month at a time. I literally enjoy penciling in my appointments, and I'm not ashamed.
• Wipes – I wish I’d known the many uses of wipes before having a child! Who knew?
• Three diapers
• One rice cake in a baggie
• Travel utensils for Ellie
• My wallet – Although I carry an enormous bag I don't carry a George Castaza wallet like a few of my friends. Ahem. You know who you are.
• One small hairbrush
• One small booklet of ocean life stickers—These work wonders for keeping a toddler entertained for about one minute and 15 seconds.
• One mini Play-Doh (blue)
• One small bottle of bubbles
• My iPhone
• One baggie of Goldfish Crackers
• My keys
• Floss
• One Shout Wipe – It's been in there for a very long time so I’m pretty sure it's dried out by now. But I think I’ll keep it just in case.
• One package of Boogie Wipes —These are a little on the pricey side, I know, but in public they save me from wrestling with my daughter to wipe her nose. So they're worth it. 
• Four glass lens cleaners
• One box of matches from Bottega in Birmingham
• One Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer (lemongrass sage scent)
• Two safety pins
• Two sunscreen samples
• Travel size Tylenol container that actually contains Excedrin Migraine (It's really the only way to go.)
• One coupon for $2 off Pull-Ups —I'm debating whether or not these are actually worth it. 
• One pair of fingernail clippers
• Five band aids—Make that four; Ellie saw these and discovered a boo boo that needed immediate attention.
• Burt's Bees' Cuticle Cream 
• One sample of Neutrogena Moisturizer
• One Swiss Army Knife— I've had this for years. And who knows when you'll need a toothpick, tweezers or pair of mini scissors?)
• 11 tampons – I agree that this seems excessive, but if you've ever been without and had to beg, borrow or steal one it's best to have plenty of extras.
• Two individual containers of unsweetened apple sauce
• Two packs gum: one Orbit (sweet mint flavor) and one Extra Dessert Delights (key lime pie flavor)
• One Mickey Mouse book
• One small pack of M&Ms (This is my break-glass-in-case-of-emergency treat.)
• One sample size of Starbucks cinnamon spice-flavored coffee
• One Knox County School Coupon Book —I’m vowing yet again to utilize these throughout the year to keep from scrambling in August.
• Two disposable bibs – I know I’m not saving the planet with these, but they’re a lifesaver when eating out.
• One apple
• One small bag of pretzels (These are leftover from Halloween and in the shape of pumpkins.)
• Two ink pens (both black ink)
• One Lubriderm hand lotion
• One lip gloss (night iris) and one lipstick (guilt free) – I still rarely reapply after the morning despite my mother's best attempts throughout years.
• Two pairs of sunglasses (Ellie’s and mine)

Well, that’s it. Organized or fanatical? You decide.

10 Tips You Need To Know If You Also Have Gyno Prep OCD

I had my annual gynecological exam last week. And even though the doctor, nurses, their sisters, uncles and friends and I’m pretty sure a few people who were just walking by watched me push out a baby two years ago, visiting the gynecologist still causes me a crazy amount of anxiety. My husband doesn't understand this and has joked that I "get fancier for the doctor than [I] do for [him]." I'm patiently biding my time for his turn to get to bend over for a prostate exam.

Those who know me well may have heard my paper towel gyno story. For those who don't know see tip #10 for a better idea. I'm pretty sure that experience caused my gyno apprehension. I believe your gyno visit goal is to get in and out with what you need without being the one who is discussed over lunch. I advise this knowing I’ve been the topic of that conversation, and I pray there's never a repeat.

Here's my list of dos and don'ts for your next annual visit:

1.) Never schedule your appointment after 11am. The later in the day you wait the greater your risk of a faux pas.

2.) Treat or give yourself a pedicure the day before. Note: if you wait too late in the day you risk sheet marks, and if you wait until the morning your shoes may ruin your handiwork.

3.) Choose your clothes the night before, including bra, panties, socks, etc. Be sure every article you select fits properly. You definitely don't want to stress over skin indentions from items that are too tight. Note: trouser socks are especially dangerous and also increase your risk of sweaty feet. Note: avoid trouser socks at all cost on the day of your exam.

4.) Don't eat asparagus the day before your visit. You'd hate for your urine sample to smell funny.

5.) If you don’t wax, you’ll want to wake up early to allow extra time for a perfect shave. Everyone will be glad you did.

6.) Of course you'll wear deodorant, but don't overdue it. You don't want unnecessary white residue on your armpits when you have to lift them during the breast exam. And if you think you need extra deo on the day of your appointment you might want to rethink what you're wearing on a daily basis.

7.) I used to pack a washcloth in a baggie to be able to give everything a good once over before the actual exam. My current gyno's office provides those towelettes in the bathrooms and exam rooms. This saves me from having to think about it, but it also shows that some women need the reminder. If you're unsure whether your office supplies the wipes do yourself a favor and take your own.

8.) Decide your shoes carefully. I have a friend who wore some really cute, leather knee boots to her exam. This was the first time she’d worn them, and she wore them without tights. At first thought, this was a smart move (See #9), but when it came time for her to get undressed she realized the boots were stuck. God love her. She had no choice but to sit on the edge of the table with those boots dangling over the side. You can bet at lunch that day every person working in the office received hilarious commentary and pictured her in the stirrups with those knee boots.

9.) It really goes without saying, but if you'd even consider wearing hose or tights to your visit you need much more help than I can provide. If you don't have an option and must wear hose to work, make your appointment the first one of the day, pack your hose and put them on after the exam. Or better yet, take a sick day, and enjoy a great lunch and shopping after your appointment. You’ll most definitely earn it!

10.) When you’re in the exam room, and the nurse tells you to get undressed the doctor will be right in, you’ll want to rush like a speed demon to remove your clothes. You don’t want to have to say “Wait, please,” or (God forbid) have the doctor open the door without knocking while you’re standing there half-naked. But I beg of you to resist this urge and take time to ensure you’ve been left appropriate coverage, i.e., gown, large sheet, etc.

This is something I wish I’d known about a decade ago. I had an appointment with a new gyno and had to endure a dreadfully long wait before my name was called. The nurse was in an obvious rush trying to catch up and forgot to place the appropriate items on the examining table. I was later told there was supposed to be a small paper coverlet for my breasts and a larger one for overall coverage. I undressed in a flash, walked over to the table and unfolded what was the equivalent of a Bounty-sized paper towel. There was nothing else. I kid you not. If I hadn't have been completely out of birth control pills and desperately needing a refill on my prescription I would have run out of there and never looked back. If this happened to me today I would either get dressed again, open the door and ask what the deal was or wrap the covering on the actual table around me toga-style. Instead, I was young and less creative so I sat shamefully, legs-crossed on the table, and placed the Bounty over me diagonally, attempting to cover my nipples and the top of my pubic area. When the doctor walked in, my chest and neck were bright red and burning up, my heart was racing and I was shaking my crossed leg like I was high on cocaine. Of course the doctor realized the mistake, ordered the nurse to get me the large paper sheet and turned to face the door until she returned. Ultimately, I got my prescription along with plenty of free samples and never graced that practice with my face ever again.

I encourage you to remember my story and these tips for your next visit. I promise you’ll thank me for it in the long run.